It was a crazy idea. After a lengthy marital separation, my husband and I decided to try some ‘togetherness therapy’. In our self concocted scheme, we had thought it might be fun after 30 years of somewhat challenging marriage to get on a plane together, fly across the country, rent a car, and spend ten days car camping up the west coast. Right.
I prepared for the trip with a folder full of vouchers and reservations. I prepared for the flight with a book, for the camping with all sorts of stuff from REI, for the long west coast drive with maps and brochures. I was also prepared to hate the trip. I expected to fight because that’s what we had always done, so I had even prepared exit strategies and ‘reasonable boundaries’. What I had not prepared to do was enjoy the experience.
I had begun to panic. Blessedly, I belong to a group of strong Christian women. We happened to meet just two nights before my excursion was to begin and I asked them for prayer because I didn’t want to back out of the trip. They did pray and I was amazed and thrilled at the way God showed up for me.
The centerpiece of his blessing came leisurely to me over the course of the nearly four hour flight. As I settled into my seat preparing for take off, I saw the word ‘PACE’ float through my head. I wondered at it, and took it to be something the Lord wanted me to note. I assumed it meant to pace myself for the long trip, to not allow myself to get too worn out by planning too much or worrying too much. I was wrong.
Before long, I saw more letters flow from the ‘P’ of ‘pace’. I saw ‘Pause’. At that point, I asked the Lord to explain what I was seeing. There was no direct answer, no doubt because the word is self explanatory, but it did occur to me that the Lord knows me well. My thoughts can run down the road like a fire truck on a mission, sirens blaring, bells clanging, lights flashing. A single thought in my head can dominate the road and send every other thought into the ditch to get out of the way. I realized that the biggest trucks always seem to be the most negative thoughts. I understood that ‘pause’ meant I should send out the traffic cop to restore order on my roads and that the first step was for everything to stop. I took a long, welcome breath. My shoulders dropped. I enjoyed my ‘pause’. I assumed that was all God intended for that.
After nearly an hour, I saw the ‘A’ of ‘pace’ with letters streaming out of it. It became ‘Accept’. This time, when I asked the Lord what it meant for me, I did hear the echo of his whisper. He pointed out that I want….that I seem to need….perfection. I am painfully aware that I am not perfect, so I sometimes insist on it from those around me in order to make up for my lack. While striving for excellence might have its own qualities, the issue he pointed out to me was something I had never considered. He told me that I was wrong to equate ‘imperfect’ with ‘evil’. I was stunned. As a child I had believed that being ‘good’ meant being ‘holy’, or was at least evidence of holiness. Unfortunately, I had kept that childish belief, even though I understood that our righteousness has nothing to do with our behavior and everything to do with the sacrifice of Christ. What I had never considered was the flip side of that belief. The trap on the flip side is the fallacy that less than perfect behaviors were evidence of evil, or at least evidence of evil influence. This was an eye opener to me. Less than perfect behaviors can be nothing more than irritations, and I had unknowingly elevated them to demonic proportions.
God corrected my misperception. He told me that while imperfections may be irritating, they are not inherently evil. He told me that life is just a little messy. He reminded me of John 3:16. God so LOVED the world that he gave us Jesus, his only….I stopped him right there. In my mind I shouted “No! You don’t love the world! You can’t love it because you are good and the world is full of evil and we are not supposed to live like that! You can’t be Good and love it!”. God flagged down my firetruck. He assured me that he DOES love the whole messy, imperfect world, complete with all our irritations. Evil was something else. Evil is an entity, a being that he knows, and we are not it. Evil was not the same thing as imperfect, or rude, or mean. Irritation was not a tool for the discernment of evil.
I was staggered. This meant I needed to recalibrate my whole way of thinking. What I had considered to be discernment and caution was actually criticism and judgementalism. I could not judge harshly what God so loves. I had to accept the imperfection of the world God loves. I had to separate our actions from our enemy. ‘Hate the sin, love the sinner’ as we so glibly say and so rarely do. As I chewed on John 3:16 with this new flavor, I realized it applied to me as well. God didn’t expect me to be perfect either, but he loved me anyway. HE saw the difference between me and our enemy. He loved me as I was. Shouldn’t I extend that to others?
After another hour had passed, holding carefully this new revelation, I saw the ‘C’ of ‘pace’ pass by trailing the letters which formed the word ‘Create’. Again, with great expectancy this time, I asked the Lord what it meant for me. What I heard was ‘Create a pocket of praise’. The lesson was to take whatever irritation confronted me and flip it into statements of praise for the Lord. If my husband’s slowness bothered me, I could praise God for being patient with us; if an argument seemed imminant I could praise God for his gentleness; if I found myself not knowing what to do I could praise God for his boundless wisdom. It had never been difficult for me to find fault in myself or others – how beautiful to know that my sources for worship were just as bountiful, if I chose to create them.
As I gathered my things to exit the plane, I realized I had not yet heard anything about the ‘E’ of ‘pace’. I sensed the Lord smiling as I shuffled down the aisle, and as I passed beneath the exit sign I heard him whisper “Enjoy”. And I did. Using the ‘method’ God had shared with me, I enjoyed the trip in spite of my negative expectations. All I had to do was pause, accept the imperfection and use it as a springboard to praise. Instant joy.
I love it that God helps me with my attitudes. I love that I can go to him with emotions and he gently gives me the means to deal with them and to keep focused on him. I think that honors him. When my focus is on what I think is right, I fail to honor God as the One who is wise. When I fight with my husband or with others, I fail to honor the love of God that values them. His love stays warm. He deserves to be honored for that. Enjoyed. Celebrated! I may continue to fight, but I will fight against my anger, my fear, my greed. I will use God’s weapon of thanksgiving and find my peace in pockets of praise.