Shame is a beast and a harsh master. I have not been fully aware that I live with it as a constant companion, but I know people who are keenly aware of it and who live under its faithful oppression. I tasted it for myself recently, and I am so grateful for the glimpse of God that it gave me.
After a recent post, I noticed a sense of shame that I had never experienced in quite the same way before. It hit me like a wave and sent me sprawling, unable to feel steady on my feet. Shame kept surfacing in unexpected places, and long forgotten memories would rise into my conscious thought, hiding shame in the shadows of their depth, In each instance I took the thoughts into prayer, but over the course of a month or two, all I realized was that shame had indeed soaked my spirit many times; I had only disregarded it.
The subject came up when I was meeting with my spiritual director. After a short discussion, we went into silent time to seek the Lord’s guidance. Several different memories that carried shame flipped through my mind as I waited. As my mind finally became silent, The Lord referred to a specific memory, as though he had been flipping through the pages of my memory to find just the one he wanted to address. It was the memory of the rapist – specifically the face of the young man.
“Do you see his face?” the Lord asked gently. “See how it seems dark and twisted? How unnatural it looks?” When I agreed, the Lord explained that the person had a deep emotional wound which became a point of entry for a spirit. The issue was not possession, but vulnerability. The adage ‘Hurting people hurt people” is another way to phrase it, though wounds can also bring us to Christ if we let them.
As I flipped back through the memories with the Lord, it was apparent that each episode involved an instance where the person was operating under the influence of unholy spirits, who had taken advantage of a wound to gain entry. Somehow, just separating ‘normal’ behavior from behaviors influenced by spirits was helpful. While we do have the responsibility of dealing with our wounds in a healthy manner, I knew that it is easy to become overwhelmed by them. Recognizing the voracious nature of unholy spirits shifted blame to its appropriate place.
I had told the Lord I was confused about how to feel toward these people who had hurt me. Is it right to love them or is it crazy to? My ‘shoulds’ told me that forgiveness was mandatory and that dissipation of shame would – should – follow. I thought I had long ago forgiven them. I still felt shame. And confusion. Again he told me to differentiate between the person and the spirits under which they operating; It was sensible to love the person, and sensible to hate the unholy spirit.
I understood that spirits which are not of God do not serve us; they seek to dominate us, like a harsh master. They do come against us, and they use old wounds to their benefit like a fighter would do to gain unfair advantage. I understood the distinction, but I still felt some shame. When I asked the Lord yet again what to do with it, he paused. He flipped through his own book of memories and allowed me to see the progression of his ministry, during which he was constantly ridiculed. It quickly culminated in the cruel events of his passion and crucifixion, when the enemy was given the right to assault Jesus with a steady stream of spirits, including that of death. I saw Jesus hanging on the cross, beaten, bloody, battleworn. I heard him ask “Should I have felt shame?” Every unholy spirit known to God had rushed to the cross to jab and jeer at the death of his son. Should Jesus have felt shame because the demons had come against him?
No. Not at all.
Nor need we feel shame when unholy spirits come against us.
When I caught his vision, I saw shame as the residue of the unclean spirit. The shame that I felt was the result of the influence of the enemy who lies in order to steal, kill and destroy. His influence brought about the cruel behaviors and left behind the shame. It’s all part of the same package because it comes from the same place. Had the person been operating under the influence of the Holy Spirit, much would have been different – not only the effect on their thoughts and behavior but the residue left to cover me as well. The Holy Spirit has a different intention and a different set of spirits. Both circumstances have a consequence of association. One might think of either consequence as fruit.
The love of the Father is such that he does not wish for us to live under false convictions or to eat unhealthy fruit. We are told that honoring the cross of Jesus cleanses us from all sin, but the assumption is that it refers to all the sin in our own life. Perhaps a more accurate depiction is actually literally ‘all’ sin, whether it enters through our own wounds or touches us through someone else’s. In the hands of the Holy Spirit, the shame of the enemy becomes humility, the absolute trust in the holiness of God’s thoughts and the supremacy of God’s plans. Humility is a way of life for Jesus. I can live with that.