Some days I feel like a king – King David specifically. In Psalm 3 he prayed “Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked”. In Psalm 10, “Break the arms of these wicked, evil people! Go after them until the last one is destroyed”. In Psalm 58, “Break the teeth in their mouths, O God; LORD, tear out the fangs of those lions!”. I get cranky, and there is no human with the power to un-crank me. On the contrary, humans are precisely the thing that crank me up!
Ever so slowly, ever so gently, the Lord opened my eyes to my own faults. Every little scenario I had grabbed as a reason to be angry with others became apparent to me as a tendency of my own. This was a sobering process. It did not feel like a simple mental acknowledgement of “…for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God….’, but like watching a movie of my words and wishes, unable to turn away from the screen. There is a difference between the sensations of humility and humiliation. I did not feel humiliated, embarrassed or put to shame; I did feel the truth of my human membership, and was surprised at the necessity for the shift in my perception. I had not previously thought of myself as judgemental, but there it was, on the Big Screen.
The Lord had already redeemed me, and was in the process of teaching me by showing me what I needed to see but I didn’t know what to do with the feeling elicited by taking my place in the mess of humanity. That feeling was the sensation of humility, and the humility seemed to be seeking something of its own accord, something more than admission or regret, even more than repentance, which is the changing of thought patterns, and all the new behaviors which follow such changes. The humility that stirred within me only seemed interested in seeking God.
I sat before God in silence, feeling my humanity, helpless but for him. I remembered all my own psalm-like prayers that wanted justice or vindication, and was reminded of New Testament admonitions from Christ to love my neighbor, do good to those who hate me, bless those who curse me, pray for those who mistreat me. I couldn’t do it. At least I couldn’t say it and mean it. So I asked the Holy Spirit to pray, and to let me have a glimpse of what was in God’s heart by allowing me a general interpretation of the prayer he would offer, in a language not my own.
His prayer was powerful and heart rending. I spoke slowly so as to miss nothing, and I am recording it for the benefit of all. It began with praises for the strength, the glory, the holiness of God. After a time it shifted to thanksgiving. Then as I heard him begin to pray for the people, I could also see his hands pushing apart, literally ‘opening wide’ their hearts to him, removing their obstacles to faith in him, rebuking spirits of confusion which sought to veil his Majesty and his Truth. Having created openings, he began to pour himself into them, streams of oil flowing from the fingertips of his open hands, directed at their hearts. He poured himself out freely, with an earnest desire for his joy to be theirs.
It was beautiful. I was stunned at the difference between his prayers and mine, and so very grateful for such a God. He created us out of love, took on our humanity out of love, and has never stopped loving. For those of us who choose him, we can expect eternal continuation. My love is spotty, but his is faithful. His love for us is trustworthy, and his desires for us are beautiful. May you experience both in the new year.